“I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.”
The door slammed and that was the last that I saw of her. That was 3 years ago. I’m still here wishing that she would come back. I remembered how angry she was. I should have seen it coming. We started arguing every other day, and then next thing I knew, it was every day. Was it my fault? How did the marriage fall apart? We were best friends! I told her everything, so where did we go wrong?
“So, what do you like to do for fun?” asks Mia.
I tell her, “I don’t usually have fun. I can’t remember the last time I went out. I’ll see my friends at the bar from time to time but I like to keep to myself.”
Is this how dates went? We make small talk about unimportant things until both of us find interest in pursuing something more? This has been the 8th woman that I’ve gone on a date with since we separated and I just can’t see the spark. I miss her. I’ll bring women home and sleep with them and they always want to pursue more but I’m just not interested. No one can compare to her.
“Well I like to go shopping and have dinner dates. I love hanging out with my girlfriends. We usually go get our nails done once every 2 weeks. You know, to look good. The beach is fun too.” says Mia.
I don’t recall asking her what she likes to do for fun. Man, I need to go home. I don’t even want to be here.
“Oh, that’s nice.” I say.
“Are you an old man or something? Why don’t you talk much? You haven’t even noticed my hair that I just got done earlier today. Do I not look good in this dress? How do you take me out to dinner and just sit there with a spacey look on your face?” demands Mia.
I have to get out of here now!
“I’m sorry, you look gorgeous tonight. Thank you for having dinner with me but I’m not feeling well. I will excuse myself. I will close the bill and have the restaurant call a cab for you when you are finished.”
I finish paying the bill and haul a cab. I arrive at my sister’s apartment and buzz myself upstairs.
“Noah! I didn’t expect for you to come over tonight.” says Jenny excitedly as she hugs me.
“Hi sis, I just came from my date. Didn’t want to be there anymore. I didn’t want to be home alone so I figured I could come over and talk to you.”
“Let me guess, another boring girl that you feel can’t compare to Lauren?” asks Jenny.
I reply, “You know, I still think about the day that she left. I can’t understand where we went wrong. We were best friends since middle school. We loved each other. We told each other everything. You’d think people get married because of love!”
“It’s not that simple. Marriage is only the beginning, which most people don’t understand. Yes, it is important to marry because of love, but that isn’t the only thing that will help.” Jenny says, “You need to think about compatibility, and how well you two communicate. The good times are the easy ones. It’s when you both go through the hard times that will make or break the relationship. It isn’t easy. We aren’t back in middle school anymore where everyone is innocent. Marriage is a lot of work and both parties have to agree to work hard to stay together and fight for each other when times are rough.”
“I know sis, but she was my first love. We talked through everything together. I would give her the world! But I realized as time went on, something changed. I don’t know what it is. We used to be so happy together.” I say.
“Maybe that’s what it is. You two never got to explore the world outside of each other. You were each other’s firsts. People change as they get older. Who you were in middle school isn’t who you are now.” says Jenny. “Maybe you two ended up growing apart. You two were so young when you guys got together that neither one of you were fully developed. Maybe she started wanting different things than what she wanted when she was younger. Maybe you haven’t noticed that you started changing as well.”
“I wonder how mom and dad made it through 45 years of marriage. I never saw them fight once!” I reply.
“We will never know. Maybe they did fight but we were never there to witness it. They might have also worked things out behind closed doors.” says Jenny. “I know you didn’t expect that you two would be broken apart. I know you loved her whole heartedly and you’d probably give up your life for her but until you speak to her, you would never know the real story.”
I gaze towards her floor to ceiling windows. It is a very clear sky tonight. I can’t look my sister in the eyes. I realize how right she is. I loved Lauren for as long as I could remember. It is my fault that I let her walk out. I didn’t even try to stop her. I never tried to calm down and hear her out. But then again, she didn’t either…
“You know, Peter and I haven’t always been great either. Within our 10 years of marriage, we used to fight a lot. It comes with territory of being with someone else. You can’t expect someone to be you. You can’t rely on someone else for your own happiness.” Jenny states, “We are at our best now, but it took a while to get here. There were times where I wanted to leave when things got hard, but I stuck through it. We made our vows to be there for each other through thick and thin. It’s easy to forget why we love each other and why we got married in the first place when we are angry at each other.”
I take a glance at Jenny. I notice her tone of voice has changed. It went from silvery to wobbly.
I comment, “Sis, I had no idea you and Peter ever had problems. You two were always picture perfect. Everyone thought you two were made for each other.”
“I never told anyone this, but when we first got married, it was really rough for us. The wedding was expensive, and he spent a lot for my ring.” Jenny utters, “The honeymoon ended up being more than our expected budget and his business wasn’t doing well. It went under fire with a huge lawsuit that eventually, we realized it wasn’t his fault. At that time, I was under a lot of stress with my investments and I couldn’t bring in any income for about half a year.
Jenny takes a sip of her coffee without breaking eye contact. The tension in the room is enough to frighten a lion. The silence has allowed for even the quietest appliances to roar.
“We were in so much debt that we almost declared bankruptcy. We were angry at each other and constantly arguing. We started doubting each other and blaming each other.” Jenny claims without missing a beat, “I broke some stuff, he broke some stuff. Neither one of us got hurt but we both were hurting. For a year and a half, we wondered if we made a huge mistake getting married.”
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?! That’s awful, you didn’t have anyone there for you.” I sit rooted to the spot and state, “You always just kept blowing me off saying you’re too busy back then. I just thought you forgot about your brother after you got married. You barely came out to see anyone. You never showed up for family gatherings and holidays! We all thought you were so in love and having the best time of your life.”
“You know, when you get married, there are things that will change. When you get married, your significant other and kids are your family.” says Jenny. “You end up focusing on them instead of your own parents and siblings. They’ll be there and you will see them from time to time but that is no longer your focus. These were issues between my husband and I. Talking to someone else about it isn’t going to fix the problem. The biggest supporter you have after you get married is your significant other."
Jenny pauses to take another sip of her coffee. She takes a deep breath before continuing with her story.
"Going to family is just going to make me feel worse when I know they only care about me. Imagine that I went to you or mom and dad, I bet all of you guys would tell me to move out, come home, and get a divorce." Jenny states, "I understand that you guys just want to protect me but this is something that I am responsible for. I don’t think Peter and I thought anything like that would have happened to us. Money was good for both of us prior to getting married, but let me tell you something: money is one of the biggest reasons for people to fight and argue. Most of the time, it causes a divorce.”
I express, “You’re so strong sis. I can’t believe you went through something like that. You’re right though, I probably would have kept you away from Peter if you told me at the time. I never knew you knew so much.”
“It comes with experience.” says Jenny.
“Then what happened? How did you guys get to where you are now? I thought you guys were always good since you’re a hedge fund manager and he owns his own construction company.”
“We ended up taking a week away from each other. He stayed in a hotel and I was home. We didn’t speak at all. I ended up missing him, missing us. I didn’t want the marriage to end, I wanted it to work.” Jenny vocalizes, “I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I knew that we would be okay as long as we tried to talk it out and work things out. We needed that time away to get our thoughts together. We were so clouded by anger every time we were home that we just lashed out. I was stubborn and he was petty so it was hard to budge either one of us.”
I close my eyes to fight back tears. I never realized how much I miss Lauren. My sister went through the fighting and arguing with her husband but I didn’t even try to win her back. I finally notice my left leg twitching for the past couple minutes. It is a diversion to minimize my agony. It only happens when I tremble from heartbreak.
“When he came home, I gave him the longest hug. I missed him so much that I was willing to do anything to make it work and he felt the same.” Jenny professes, “We both apologized and started to communicate our feelings. There were a lot of pent up emotions and we understood that we took each other for granted. We didn’t know when money would be good again, but we vowed to work together to survive. We supported each other and we made sure to talk to each other about our next moves before we proceeded.
I start to notice that Jenny was in tears. This must have been extremely painful for her to go through alone. It just hit me that my relationship with Lauren sound similar. The constant arguing, the emotions, not being able to communicate our feelings. We probably resented each other.
I say, “It must have been tough for you to be going through that alone. I’m glad you are in a better place now.”
“Eventually, we got back to ground zero. We started to make time for each other and acknowledge what the other person needed but it wasn’t easy. There was a lot of compromise. We grew to love each other more after finally figuring things out. 2 years later, we had Leia. His business was thriving and my client’s portfolios were doing well so we managed to save up. We bought 2 homes and this apartment.” says Jenny.
“I’m not sure what to say besides that I am shocked. Now that I think of it, I can’t remember what me and Lauren argued about. It’s all a blur now.” I express.
“I think it’s time for you to head home, I have to put Leia to bed. She must be in bed by 9 or she gets cranky. We’ll talk another time. Thanks for coming to see me. You should really give people a chance, you will never know what they might offer.” says Jenny.
“Thanks sis. I have a lot to think about. All I can ever think about is Lauren. She really broke my heart. Have a good night. I’ll let myself out.” I say.
Noah walks downstairs and heads home.
Maybe I should move on. She probably won’t come back. I lost her forever. I can’t be miserable forever. Sis is right, I have to create my own happiness. I can’t rely on anyone else to be happy. I need to get out of my comfort zone and find myself again. I’ve been lost that I don’t really know who I am or what I enjoy. I guess I was rude to Mia tonight. I owe her an apology.
I text Mia: “Hey Mia, so sorry about tonight. Let me make it up to you and take you somewhere nice this weekend.”
She replies: “Noah, I understand. Sure, I’ll check my schedule and get back to you but I think I should be free Saturday.”
“Perfect, let me know if anything changes. See you then.”
I get to the door and turn my key. I open the door and see Lauren on the couch.