The turning of the keys creates panic and excitement. It feels like Christmas as a child all over again, when she used to watch the clock intensely, waiting for daylight to arrive so she could run downstairs to open presents. Her impatience is rising. She wants to dash to the door so she can let him in and throw her arms around him but she knows that would be too childish. She sits as patiently as she can, and waits.
“I didn’t expect you to be here, how did you get in?” Noah asks stammering.
“Did you forget that I used to live here too? You always left the spare behind the lamplight. Is that how you greet your guest now?” I ask impatiently.
When is he going to come over and hug me already? He’s already driving me crazy and all he did was step through that door in a very nice shirt. Did he go on a date? He has the top 2 buttons unbuttoned. That’s always been my favorite thing. It has such a sexy appeal to it, as if anyone that gets near him is being invited to explore. But it was all mine. Oh god, what is wrong with me? Why am I thinking like this?
“How are you? Would you like something to drink?” asks Noah.
“I’m just fine. Water would be nice, thanks. What happened to greeting me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek? Are you usually this rude with your guests now that I’ve been gone?” I point out.
“No, I just don’t know what to make of you being here. You decided that you never wanted to see me again and now you’re here. I can’t understand if you are here to mess with my feelings or there is something urgent that you couldn’t just talk about over the phone about.” Noah says annoyed.
Noah takes off his shoes and walks to the open concept kitchen.
What is she doing here? This must be a joke. I have a long talk with my sister, I show up at home thinking I need to reach out to her, and here she is in my apartment. She looks very well-dressed, as if she just came from a party. That red dress has me running my eyes towards her curves. It hugs her so perfectly, I can’t help but wander off. Maybe my eyes can just undress her and I can play it cool.
“I’m here to talk to you about us. Could you stop staring at me? I know those eyes, you can’t try to conceal it even if you tried.” I laugh, “You forget, we’ve been together for most of our lives. I know every one of your habits.”
Noah looks away.
Darn, only she would know that. I guess there’s nothing that I can really hide from her. We do know everything about each other.
“I just wanted to say that you look absolutely stunning tonight and I’m not sure why you are here. You know what red does to me. But anyway, what about us?” Noah asks.
“I need to know what happened to us. Why we didn’t try to fix anything? I’m engaged and about to get married in two months. I can’t imagine getting married to another man if we both don’t get to understand what really happened between us.” I say.
“You can’t exactly barge in here and demand answers just because you’re going to get married soon. It’s selfish of you to even expect that. Do you know how hard it’s been since you left? But then you decide to come and go as you wish and pretend everything is okay as long as you’re able to get your answers?” says Noah furiously.
Okay, this is not going as planned. I thought we would greet each other properly, sit down, and have a long chat to resolve what went wrong. After that, I could be free to go marry the man I love.
“That’s not what I’m saying. You aren’t the only one having a hard time. It isn’t easy walking away from the only love you have known. I don’t pretend everything is okay. Everything was falling apart for a year before we ended things. I still tried to be there but you never took notice.” I say heatedly. “Our marriage was falling apart over a year before we actually ended things but you never noticed. I shouldn’t even be here right now because it isn’t right, but here I am, trying to talk to you to understand where we went wrong and whether it could have been fixed.
“I don’t understand why you’re even here. You just stated that you shouldn’t be here and yet you are. What is there to talk about? You are about to get married in 2 months.” Noah says.
“I need to know if I am making a mistake. You were my first love and I found myself thinking about you at my bachelorette party. Claire thinks you are better for me than my fiancé. You know you are practically family. I just need to know where we went wrong…” I say softly.
Noah takes a deep breath and walks to the plush couch that seems to be calling his name. The energy in the room starts to damper. The lights seem to dim...A chill overtakes the room.
“Look, I’m not sure what to tell you. I still love you after all these years but you walked out on me. A relationship requires work from both parties, not just one. We are both at fault.” Noah says slowly, “It hasn’t been easy for me to realize that you quit on our marriage. We both made vows to be there for each other, through the good and the bad.”
I point out, “You were never there anymore. You seem to be occupied every time I talk to you about anything. You stopped trying and stopped with the sweet gestures that you used to do to win me over. Whenever we argued, you never try to fix or compromise. You just thought that all I did was complain. There was no affection.”
My voice starts to crack. I notice that there are tears streaming down my face. I know it will be a waterfall soon. I notice that my heartbeat starts to beat louder like drums in a holiday parade. This wave of hurt washes over me. The same hurt that I remembered burying. It seems to slowly resurface like a volcano ready to erupt at any moment.
“It seems like all I remember from our arguments is that we were always playing the blame game. You knew I became busier with work. I was doing it for us. I was trying to make sure that I took care of you. I knew that it would be a sacrifice but it was to ensure that you wouldn’t have to work anymore. You were my queen, I gave you the whole world. You didn’t see it as enough.” Noah explains, “You used to always complain about how your other friends married well. You didn’t seem excited to be married to me. You always brought up that you couldn’t go out and spend lavishly like your other girlfriends because I didn’t bring in enough income and you always had to work. After I found a better job that allowed you to spend like your friends, you complained about how I don’t spend enough time with you.”
I go to the kitchen to make myself an espresso. I need to sip on something before I blurt out things that will just cause more problems.
Noah continues, “You made me feel like I was never enough for you. It was always lacking this or lacking that. How would you like it if I kept putting you down no matter how much effort you try? We aren’t like your friends, everyone of your friend’s marriages are different. I used to give you so much affection but I realized it was never enough. You always wanted more. You took away my manhood.”
There is a long pause. The room is so quiet that you can hear the coffee beans grind. The sound of dripping water echoes through the walls. You can hear tears splashing on the oak wood floor.
“You were everything to me. You were my best friend. I wanted to talk to you about everything but you never tried to listen. It wasn’t that you aren’t good enough, I never had any intention to put you down.” I say while choking back tears, “Maybe I was wrong. We were always so bad at communicating. There was nothing I said that got through to you.”
The espresso is ready.
“I just wanted you to be there. I’m sorry that I made you feel like less of a man. You’re right, I shouldn’t have compared us to what my girlfriends had going on. We were always a better couple with genuine love. You were always a great listener. I guess I didn’t realize that you being more busy meant having less time for me.” I state.
I take a sip of my espresso. The aroma of the espresso seems unfamiliar. He must have upgraded his coffee beans. It tastes bitter with a hazelnut hint but definitely richer. The smell is intoxicating. It looks like this Noah has stepped up his game.
“I didn’t realize I hurt you so much. You never spoke up about anything. You were always more passive aggressive and I hated it. It must be from your gentle nature. Sometimes I just want you to be more aggressive and assertive.” I express, “I love that you treat me like a queen but I’m no longer that little girl you dated. Over the years, I started wanting you to take over and tell me no sometimes. You were too polite.”
“You never expressed that you wanted me to be more aggressive. You said you loved that I was “Prince Charming”. How am I supposed to know what you want when you don’t say anything? I appreciate that you are starting to realize what you’ve done to my ego but it takes a lot to heal that wound.” Noah reveals, “You just have no idea what you’ve done to me. But it doesn’t matter anymore, that was long ago. You are getting married in two months, none of this should be relevant. I think you should go. Like you said, you shouldn’t be here.”
I stammer, “You’re kicking me out? This isn’t like you…”
“Didn’t you just say you want me to be more aggressive and assertive? Well, I am standing my ground and think you should leave. I do not want to have to deal with your fiancé. I have no association with you anymore since you walked out that door three years ago.” Noah snaps.
“I’m sorry…I’ll go.” I say quietly.
I grab my things from the couch, which now seems very lonely. Maybe Claire was right. I only came here to cause trouble. What was I thinking? Did I think talking to him would fix things? Why did it matter anyway if we talked things out? I’m still going to be married in two months. I slowly walk towards the door, turning sideways to glance if Noah noticed me leaving. I realize he meant what he said.
“Congratulations on your engagement. I hope your marriage is successful.” Noah grumbles with his head down.
I put my head down, holding back tears. It feels so lonely and cold. This wave of want washed over me. My heart feels like it’s about to burst. I need to get out of here quickly before my knees give in. I get to the door and let myself out. As I gently close the door, I realized that it was going to be the last time I will ever see him again. I take a slow, deep breath to calm myself down. A familiar voice cuts through my thoughts like a sharp icicle. I immediately shudder from fear.
“Lauren?”
I look up slowly and see Dave standing right in front of me. How did he know that I was here? How did he get in through the lobby…?